Friday, June 03, 2005

Sad (part 2)

So where was I? Ah yes, weeping for a man I had never met, because I could acutely feel the pain he was experiencing. I suppose that is one of the prices that must be paid for being a blog vouyeur, but I was already knee deep in it, and what was I going to do - walk away? I hardly think so.

When I was at one of the lowest points in my life, along came Betsy. If ever I had a prayer answered in my life, Betsy was that answer. Betsy was a new teacher at the school I was teaching in at that time. We quickly became close friends, and I honestly believe Betsy saved my life. She cut directly to the heart of the issue: it is not consistent with the concept of a loving and fatherly God, a God deserving of our worship, for God to be so arbitrary, so capricious, so malicious and so sadistic for him to say to his creation, "I have created you in my image; I have instilled inside you wants, needs and desires; I have endowed you with sexuality; and now I forbid you to act on it, and if you do, you shall be an abomination to me and I will condemn you to an eternity in hell for it." No way. It just doesn't make sense. In addition Betsy argued, there was no way a loving God and Creator wanted his creation to constantly live in the kind of pain I was living in. The constant depression and spiritual agony I was suffering couldn't possibly be that state God wanted me in.

Such a simple revelation! My whole life struggle was based on a concept that was entirely contradictory. It could not be reconciled! Now I am an intelligent and rational person. I can't hold on to beliefs that are logically inconsistent. And once I let go of the contradictory beliefs I was struggling with, my life was transformed. Once I accepted that I was who I was (a gay man), and that a loving God would not (could not) hate me for being who He created me to be, the depression lifted, the self-destructive behaviors stopped, the insomnia and chronic illnesses disappeared. Trust me, it wasn't easy. I had to give up my family and many of my friends (they are still Jehovah's Witnesses and do not accept me because of my sexuality). But as painful as giving them up was, it was MUCH less painful than living in the constant state of torment I was inflicting upon myself. So I had to make some tough decisions and I had to endure some painful transitions, but I came through it a healthier, happier, whole person. And I can honestly say that the last 15 years of my life have been the best and happiest years of my life. I have created my own family now with Betsy still at the foundation, and I am truly loved by them. Most importantly, I love myself now, rather than hate myself.

I wish I could help Adam see this for himself. I sent a brief comment to him on his most recent post, and I will continue to check back to his blog from time to time. I don't really expect to hear from him, but I hope I do. More likely though I'll continue to read his posting and quietly weep with him, suffering with him in sympathy for his pain. Maybe it won't mean anything, but Adam I want you to know that there is someone out here who can feel your pain, who understands, and who is thinking about you. I hope you find peace my friend.


At 3:38 PM, Blogger Nobody Special said...

I couldn't agree more. My heart goes out to Adam too. I hope that he too is soon able to make his way through this terrible time and find a way to accept himself for who he is and just as importantly enjoy it. Life is for living and nobody should feel shame for the sexuality that they were born with and it shouldn't be seen as a choice between right and wrong. I hope Adam is able to find someone to talk this through with and provide some much needed support.


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